85. Jesse James. I realized that’s an obvious choice for seat number 37B and it took me a while to add him because I was willing to believe he was just acting out and his cheating really was a cry for help (believe it or not, that can happen) but really, that guy is just another whinyass douchebag.
84. People who are too lazy to learn their job and end up causing massive errors that have to be fixed by someone else (ie. ME!) have a very special section on the Train O’ Doom. My coworkers should be incredibly thankful I don’t really have homocidal tendencies. Really fucking thankful.
83.People who heat/cook fish at work are evil. Ditto for anyone who wears patchouli oil.
82. Dear Johnny Depp,
WHAT THE HOLY FUCKOLY IS WRONG WITH YOU???
Because that’s so fucking heinous it makes me sick.
Sincerely,
Deathwina, aka Your Former Fan
p.s. I dare you to let Roman Polanski babysit your kids.
81. Watched RocknRolla this past weekend. Why didn’t any of you tell me about Mark Strong? Do you hate me? Do you want my list of faux boyfriends to stagnate? Do you want to end up on my death wish list???
Seriously. It’s like I don’t even know y’all anymore. ;p
80. New Year’s resolutions that should be on many, many, many lists:
*No more wearing skirts or pants or shorts whose waistbands are so tight they create muffintops. I don’t care what your body fat percent is, it looks ridiculous and gross to have your fat hanging over your waistband.
*Ditto on pantylines. Thongs and g-strings are a lot more comfortable than you may think. Learn to wear them and avoid the pantylines.
*Women will shorten their pants enough to let their feet peek out. The overly long pants that create the illusion of having no feet is fucking creepy. Bonus: people will see the expensive shoes you spent money and time picking out.
*Men who adjust their dicks in public should stop it. I don’t know if it’s a primal thing or maybe no one told them it’s creepy, pervy and downright weird but stop it. Or, at the least, don’t do it in front of me.
*Men should wear their pants at their waistlines. Droopy pants that hang down and show underwear and/or asscrack totally defeat any attempts you’re making at looking cool and/or sexy (but especially the asscrack thing. <–see what I did there? “but” and “asscrack”….oh shut up, that was funny. ;p ). That is so seriously gross (you, too, ladies. No more wearing pants that are too low for you to bend over) I can’t even begin to tell you how disgusted people are when they see it.
79. Sears. The rant would be too long so just trust me; Sears goes on the train.
78. I have long held the belief that Charlie Sheen is a complete and total douchebag towards the women with whom he is romantically involved. Further, his douchebaggery is well documented in the tabs (even if you discard 90% of what has been written, he’s still a fuck up.) so I have zero sympathy for any of the women who fuck/date/marry him. Those women need to reread #65 on this list. Because seriously, if someone is willing to enter into a sexual/romantic relationship with Charlie Sheen, she’s as big a fuck up as he is.
77. People who tailgate the car in front of them should be tortured. People who tailgate the car in front of them at night should be tortured for the rest of their life.
76. On a friendly sidenote, to my constant amusement, DWL is getting to be quite the international website. People from all over the world are wandering over (lately Moscow, Beijing and Paris (France, not Texas) are in a race to see who can visit the most. And who knew so many Canadians would drop by? I guess that “super nice manners” thing is just a cover up. *winks at Tallie* ) and it fills my teenytiny heart with joy to know I’m not the only weirdeaux who has an odd sense of humor.
Anyhoo, regardless of where you’re from, welcome. Bitching and profanity are accepted. Spitting and not using coasters under drinks are not. That’s pretty much it on rules and regulations.
75. To all the people who tell me I’m “too pale” and I “need to get a tan”, just fuck off. I don’t tell you your self tanner is too orange and streaky or that your sun damaged skin looks awful. So, do yourself a favor and leave my pale skin alone. Otherwise, I’ll shove a bottle of sunscreen down your fucking throat.
74. I just read Tiger’s statement and I just want to reach through the computer and slap the shit out of him. Not only does he not genuinely own his “transgressions”, he spends more time bitching about the sudden lack of privacy being shown over this matter. Unbelievable.
Not for one second do I believe he regrets the pain and embarassment he has caused his family. His language is so weak I’m surprised he had the strength to type the words:
“…those transgressions”, he can’t even acknowledge they are his transgressions.
“I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect.”, he’s a grown man who chose to cheat on his wife and fuck a bunch of slutty (and well documented!) women.
“…the right to some simple, human measure of privacy”, then he shouldn’t have sent text messages/emails/phone calls to the sluts he was banging. Has he learned nothing from my mother? Never leave evidence! When you leave evidence, you leave the door open to someone using it against you in a very public way. He needs to quit bitching about his lack of privacy. If he genuinely wanted privacy, he would have just had sex with his wife in the privacy of their home.
And my favorite part:
“Elin has always done more to support our family…”, translation: I’m a worthless, lazy ass piece of shit who barely makes any effort to be a husband and father. I don’t normally wish divorce on anyone however, I hope she dumps his ass and I hope her divorce attorney will make sure Tiger finally steps up and does much, much more to $upport Elin.
So, to sum up, on #72, I was just irritated. But now, Tiger is officially on Shitty Shitty Bang Bang.
Sidenote: Deceiver.com is one of my all time fave sites. They do a pretty good job of busting the hypocrites.
72. Tiger. Dude. I just want to apologize for this whole you being an asshat who cheats on his wife sitch. Just a couple of weeks ago I told my mom what a cute family you have and now you’ve gone and blown that to Hell. I knew I was a tv show jinx but I didnt’ realize I was a celebrity jinx, too. My bad. Oh wait, it’s your bad.
Happy Holidays, dumb fuck.
71. Speaking of singing……..’tis the season to sing your face off. Although I revile most organized religion stuff, I LOVE Christmas music. My Christmas cd collection grows by two or three cds every year. And every year I kick off the season with Mariah Carey’s Merry Christmas cd (her version of O Holy Night and Joy To The World are absolutely awesome!). However, I know a lot of people who are less-than-thrilled with the sappiness of holiday music (especially since we’re bombarded with it in every store in America) so for those of you who dig the songs but hate the sappy crap, try the Merry Axemas albums. Legendary guitar gods playing their version of Christmas tunes. Trust me, you haven’t heard “Deck the Halls” until you’ve heard Ted Nugent’s version. And yes, you will hit the repeat button for that one.
70. Dear modern day singers,
Before I start slinging snark I want to tell you I think it’s great you are persuing your career and I wish you all the best. That’s actually true of anyone persuing their dreams but trying to build a singing career is especially daunting so kudos to everyone who has the guts to sing in public.
With that in mind, please shut up and sing. I don’t care if you can dance. I don’t care about stupidass outfits that are so overwhelming I forget to listen to your voice and get lost in wondering what the hell happened to you as a child that you would dress the way you are dressed.
Really. Enough is enough. I get you want to put on a good show and you want to give the fans a good memory however, you must remember you are a singer first, a spectacle second. My fondest concert memories were of bands that focused their show on the songs, not the outfits. Not simulating blow jobs on stage. Not pole-dancing teenagers. Not the artists trying to do acrobatics that they really shouldn’t try.
The concert should be about your music. Your voice, your words, your sound.
Otherwise, you look like an asshat desperately trying to get attention. And that, my friends, is a look no one should be trying to wear.
Love,
Deathwina
69. Well, here we are at #69 and since deep down I’m a 10 year old boy, my mind always flings itself at the gutter when I read/hear that number. So, in honor of my fellow pervs (waves to Bobby and Dawn!), I offer positive proof that the brain is the most important sex organ:
68. Men, this one’s for you. When you and your friends are barhopping (or whatever else involves alcohol being consumed), inevitably some obnoxious drunk who’s full of liquid courage barges over and interrupts your conversation. Most men I know just use that as a chance to get laid. However, if you really want Drunkwina McWasted to go away, just talk about sports, computers or Halo 3. Or tell her you think her friend is hot. (warning: some of us actually like it when a man starts yammering about sports, computers and gaming. I have no idea what to tell you on how to get rid of us. Good luck with that.)
67. Ladies, this one’s for you. When you and your friends are barhopping (or whatever else involves alcohol being consumed), inevitably some obnoxious drunk who’s full of liquid courage barges over and interrupts your conversation. Most women I know try to be polite in their attempts to get rid of Drunky McWasted but often end up having to play the bitch card and then they feel guilty. Having had this happen to me too often I developed a technique that is 99% guaranteed to work in getting rid of the aforementioned idiot. Just work the following sentence into your conversation with him as soon as possible:
We’re discussing the socio-economic ramifications of alcoholism in post Cold War Russia.**
You’ll either instantly bore them, in which case they will try to get away from you, or you’ll make them feel stupid in which case they’ll go with “fuck you, bitch” and storm off. Regardless of which method of running they choose, you are now free to go back to your evening….until the next obnoxious drunk wanders up.
(**For my Russian readers, change it to: We’re discussing Britney Spears anthology of music and how it will change the landscape of American music which will, in turn, change music worldwide.)
66. It’s a Friday (11-20-09) and I feel followish. Today’s tweme is the amazing, life affirming, panty melting goodness of Dr. Horrible’s Sing-a-long Blog. If you haven’t seen this, leave now and go watch it. Then come back and check out the following tweets (see what I did there? “…the following tweets”. Real wordsmiths ain’t got nuttin’ on me!):
Dr. Horrible - Danger, romance, love, lust, weird stuff and a bad horse, of course. Did I mention it’s also a musical?
Neil Patrick Harris - So much talent and charm wrapped up in gorgeous blonde goodness. His tweets are so fu
Nathan Fillion - Intelligent, funny, articulate, talented and an all around class act. I would also add “handsome” and “sexy” but I don’t want to sexually objectify him. I’m sure he just wants us to see him as an artist and not as the smokin’ hot man who makes us all run for our bunks. (sidenote: Nathan is currently working on ABC’s Castle. Quippy charm at it’s best.)
Felicia Day - If you haven’t seen The Guild then I say again….stop reading this and get over to those videos.
Bonus tweeter: Broslife . NPH’s character on How I Met Your Mother (airing on CBS) is Barney Stinson. Barney is a bro’s bro and chock full of wisdom for aspiring bros. Someone (I imagine it’s some of the show’s writers) tweets as Barney. Dare I say the tweets are awesome? I think I do.
65. Women who go on and on about how they “just can’t help it, I love the bad boys!” make me want rip their fucking tongues out. I can’t tell you how often I talk to women who say they want a nice guy and then always end up going out with some dickhead who ends up treating them like shit and then they rationalize it with the “I love bad boys” crap.
So, women of the world, I’ve had enough of that bullshit and I’m giving you fair warning: From now on I will no longer politely listen to your stupidity. From now on I will bluntly tell you how stupid you are and what a fucking pussy you are for deliberately dating assholes even though you know he’s going to treat you like shit. I will bluntly point out how pathetic you are and how desperately you need therapy to get over your daddy issues and low self esteem.
It’s the fucking 21st century….it’s time you learn there’s a massive difference between a bad boy and a badass. If he treats you like crap, he’s a bad boy. If he treats you like a queen, he’s a badass.
64. To the asshat who rammed his cart into mine because he 1.) wasn’t paying attention to the fact there were other people in the store and 2.) was practically running….you are incredibly lucky to be alive. My deathglare has been known to put people in the hospital so thank your guardian angels you are still living. Also, just a side note, the only people who can skate through life on good looks and charm are people who are actually good looking and charming. You are neither.
63. I am not going to have children. For some reason, some people feel that is the most egregious act of terrorism that a person can commit: not having children. These same people insist on trying to convince me to have children.
“It’s different when it’s your kids.”
“But what about your bio clock?”
“You just haven’t met the right man.”
“Every woman I’ve ever known who said that changed her mind.”
And my personal favorite “Who will take care of you when you’re old???”
I really don’t feel I should have to justify my decision to people who aren’t going to be involved in getting me pregnant or co-raising my non-existent kids. However, I usually just try to laugh it off and change the subject. But lately that crap has started up again and one woman in particular keeps hounding me about it. Her kids are not the worst that ever lived however, I would have to give her parenting skills a 2 (on a scale of 1 to 10). After trying unsuccessully to change the subject I finally told her in a firm voice “No offense but I don’t have to justify this decision to you and I would appreciate it if you quit trying to force me to get pregnant.” She was offended. To the point of huffing out “Well, the Bible tells us to be fruitful and multiply.” And that’s when my bitch card came out. Before I could stop myself I unloaded with “And did the Bible tell your 14 year old daughter to get knocked up and your son to get arrested for vandalism?”
While she turned 17 shades of red, I walked off…..still unpregnant.
62. A special note to CVS and Walgreens…. when a person is ill or injured, it is so beyond fucked up that you would make them walk to the back of the motherfucking store to get what they need. I realize lipgloss and candy bars are much more important than medicine but still, maybe move the meds up past the fucking greeting cards.
61. Remember the woman from #55? We just had an interesting conversation in which she raved on and on about some gorgeous fireman she saw working a car wreck this past weekend. She even slowed down so she could gawk at him.
At no time did the words “hypocrisy” or “irony” come up. Because I bit my tongue until it bled…..
60. Just had an LOL moment. Someone found this site using the following phrase in a search engine: how can I avoid feminazi propaganda .
Whoever you are, welcome. You are home. 
59. I know I’m an awful person. I freely admit I’m sick and twisted and intolerant of douchebags. However, even I can admit there’s something wrong when my friend tells me she read Jon Grosselin was suicidal and I just laughed. And speaking of using suicide as a publicity stunt, is Tila Tequila still alive? Has anyone kept up with that story?
Anyone?
No one?
Really?
Hunh, well then nevermind, I guess.
58. On Wednesday night my friend, Redhead, and I went to the KANE show at Antone’s. Great show, wonderful peoplewatching and some of the nicest fangirls you could imagine (seriously, I’m constantly amazed at how nice Christian Kane’s fangirls are). In fact, one of those fangirls was ahead of us when we were standing in line for the hugs-n-autographs session Christian was hosting. Of course, I am technologically challenged so my cell phone doesn’t even have a camera. Redhead doesn’t know how to use the camera function on her phone. However, Totally Cool Girl ahead of us brought her digital camera and said she would take Redhead’s photo when Redhead posed with Christian. 14 hours later when Redhead finally got up to the table, Totally Cool Girl snapped the photo and promised to send it to Redhead’s email. And she did. In fact, not only did she send the photo, she included other photos of the band performing. How sweet is that???
Anyhoo, Totally Cool Girl, if you’re reading this, just know that I am in your debt for the extra photos. So just know that if you ever need anything, just shoot me an email and I’ll take care of whatever it is. Need a horse head dumped on someone’s bed? Email me. Need someone to sleep with the fishes? Email me. Hell, need someone to break you out of a third world prison? Bribe a prison guard to email me.
You rock harder than KANE did.
57. Would someone explain to me why Rosie O’Donnell is suddenly telling the world about all the hot chicks (Angelina, Petra, allegedly) who wanted to date/sleep with her and why on earth we should believe her? It’s one thing to say “I have a crush on blahblahblah.” But to brag “All these hot chicks totally wanted me.” is both stupid and arrogant and obnoxious. I can’t decide if she’s just trying to drum up publicity or if she’s just a fucking delusional bitch. Or both.
Anyhoo, if this sort of thing is going to be accepted as factual then I want in on it. So, without further adieu, I’m listing some of the men who have wanted to have sex with me:
George Clooney, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Shemar Moore, Hill Harper, Clive Owen, Nathan Fillion, Kevin Alejandro, Jeffrey Donovan, Daniel Dae Kim, John Cho, that guy who plays Mohinder on Heroes and Rosie O’Donnell.
If they deny it, they’re totally lying. Trust me on this.
(edited to add: I just want to be clear that Rosie is not going on the train. As a general rule, I think she’s talented and funny so I hate that she’s acting like a tool. However, this is also the same woman who called Elizabeth Hasselblah a twat so really, how can I shove her off a cliff?)
56. To the woman who almost hit me head on in traffic this morning because fucking with something in her car (her purse, maybe?) was much more important than keeping her eyes on the road: you’re on my list. You’ll be sitting next to the one bathroom on the train. Did I mention there’s no ventilation on my train? Did I mention everyone will be required to dose up on laxatives?
55. I just had yet another conversation with a woman who was complaining about her guy checking out other women when she walking with him. She was going on and on and on about how disrespectful it is and how he shouldn’t even notice other women and blah blah blah.
So, as a public service announcement I offer the following bit of info:
All men are born with ADDick.
They can’t help it, it’s just genetic. They see an attractive woman, the downstairs brain kicks in and before they know it they may glance at her. Most men have learned to control the impulse to a certain degree so you may not even see them do it but it definitely does happen. Women need to realize this is a primal instinct built into men’s DNA and it does not necessarily mean their man thinks the chick who just walked by is prettier than his mate. It’s not a barometer of his feelings for you.
However, having said that, if your man is openly ogling other women, he’s sending you a clear message: you are doing something wrong. It’s not that you are actually doing something wrong, it’s just that y’all’s relationship isn’t doing it for him and he may be blaming you instead of working on his behavior/problems (or maybe you are doing something wrong, I have no idea…). Rather than dealing with tricky relationship conversations, he’s acting like a prick to get you to 1.) leave or 2.) be the one who brings up the conversation or 3.) he likes jerking you around.
I can’t tell you what to do if he’s just jerking you around but I can tell you if my man was doing that, he’d be single in 15 seconds flat. I can handle tough conversations, I can’t handle immature jerks who won’t grow up and deal with Life.
So remember, men can’t help having ADDick but how they deal with it can help you separate the men from the boys.
54. My friend wanted to know why I blocked the porn follows on my Twitter account but left the sex toy follower. She seemed to think it was a wee bit hypocritical but I said they weren’t even close to the same thing. I explained I’m all for everyone having sex (hence I encourage you to check out the sex toys) however, I’m pathologically murderous towards spammers (which is what the porn followers were).
Sex, good. Spam, bad. See, it’s totally apples to dildos. My integrity remains intact.
52. Pseudo-Christians are on my list. Those people make me grind my teeth and want to walk around whacking them on the head with a New Testament bible. I could go on and on and on about how badly P-Cs fuck up the teachings of Jesus but I’ll just sum it up since I’m sure you have a celebrity gossip site to read:
Real Christians do not try to force their beliefs on other people.
In fact, JC was pretty clear on that.
Real Christians do not waste time trying to force their religion on government buildings such as schools. So the next time you start bitching and moaning about how prayer/religious signage** isn’t allowed in your kids government owned public school, just remember, the same Constitutional Amendment (the 1st one, in fact!) that states the US government will not interfere with your right to choose the religion you want to follow is also the same one that states the US government ”…shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion…”. That means the United States government is not supposed to allow you, or anyone else, to force your fucking religious beliefs on people just because you think you have the right to worship as you please.
And if you really, honestly care about this issue, yank your kid out of public school and send them to a school owned by a religious entity. If you aren’t willing to put up the cash for your beliefs, then shut the fuck up.
**I’m not talking about stuff written on t-shirts or their personal belongings like books, etc. But a government owned public school is not the place for your kid to stick religious signs in the ground or a moment of prayer. It’s a school, not a Sunday school.
51. I just spent my entire lunch break reading The Bloggess’ sex advice column. At work. I know that makes it sound like I got paid to read porn but don’t worry, I don’t get paid for my lunch break. Otherwise that whole getting paid doing something sexish would make me sound a little whorish, wouldn’t it? Anyhoo, I’m sure your parents gave you the sex talk but I doubt they told you about clown porn and how to get free blowjobs. Mine didn’t either. How fucked up is that? Everyone on the planet needs to know about clown porn. Everyone.
50. Dear Mrs. Cyrus,
I hope this missive finds you well. All is well here in the Weirdeaux household: in fact, a black cat adopted us just in time for Halloween. He’s too cute! And speaking of cute, I saw a photo of your darling daughter, Noah, and I felt compelled to send you this note. Mother to mother, you need to know your nine year old child was dressed like a vampire hooker. Had she just been dressed as a vampire or a hooker, I would never have thought twice about it but a vampire hooker….that’s just trashy.
Considering how well you’ve raised Noah’s older sister (that pole dance routine was adorable!!!) I assume you didn’t know about Noah’s costume. I know you’re trying to raise your children to be thoughtful, intelligent and to have a sense of appropriateness so I assume she snuck out of the house wearing her Ark costume and later changed into the vampire hooker outfit when she got to the party. Kids can be so precocious, can’t they? LOL!
Anyhoo, I just wanted to make sure you and her father knew about this so you could have a talk with her about her wardrobe choices (also, you might want to tell her to go with a rose colored lipstick, the red was just too garish with her hair).
Hope to you next week at the Williamson’s Tupperware party. I’ll bring the Orange Jello Delight you love so much!
Warm regards,
Mrs. Weirdeaux
p.s. Deathwina says “hello”!
49.Birth Control: The Sequel…. Dear Womenfolk….you can’t have it both ways. You are either in control of/responsible for your bodies or you aren’t. This is one of those Life subjects in which you absolutely have to make a choice and take a stand. It’s your body that will get pregnant, it’s your responsibility to make the decision about whether or not to use birth control. Do. Not. Give. Your. Decision. To. Someone. Else. You do not want anyone else to take control over your reproductive system. So, take a stand and stick with it. And for those of you who firmly believe no one has the right to determine what is best for your body, don’t bitch about men having equal responsibility for providing birth control. They don’t. They never have, they never will. I’ll grant they have some responsibility but not 100%. If you don’t want to get pregnant, you need to make sure you are consistently using effective birth control. The end.
Having said that….. Dear Menfolk….. you can’t have it both ways. Either you provide the condoms or you risk a woman deliberately getting pregnant. Obviously, there are plenty of awesome women who would harvest their own internal organs before doing that to a man but sadly, there’s even more women who would do it in a heartbeat. I can’t tell you how many women I’ve known who deliberately got knocked up just to trap some guy into marriage. It’s horrible and it’s a fact of life. It’s time you faced up to this and became proactive about preventing any Jrs. from running around. And for those of you who don’t want to have to deal with this, I don’t want to hear you bitching about your woman getting pregnant even though you don’t want kids right now (or ever, for that matter). So, if you aren’t making with the sex with an awesome woman, you need to make sure you maintain your supply of condoms and that you use them…..every time.
Helpful hints as to whether or not your woman is awesome and taking control over not getting pregnant:
1. She freaks out if she misses one day of her birth control pills.
2. She is highly amused at the expression on your face when you see her Big Box O’Condoms.
3. Her fave sex slogan is No Glove, No Love.
4. She’s happy to provide you with medical documentation showing she has an IUD.
5. She crosses the street to avoid walking past a store that sells baby clothes.
6. Her name is Deathwina.
48. Dear Jessica Simpson,
I bless your heart every other day for the crapola written about you. I think you are adorkable and I can’t imagine why anyone would bash you. In fact, my friends and I think you would be a hoot to hang out with. Possibly a hoot and a half.
Sincerely,
Deathwina
47. Third greatest invention of all time? Birth control. Seriously, if you aren’t going to actually parent your kids into being reasonably decent humaniods, just do everyone on the planet (including yourself!) a huge favor and use birth control.
46. Today (10-23-09) we get sheepish and follow people around on Twitter. And today’s tweets have a theme (tweme?): The Write Stuff. I’ve been a writer hag my entire life. I joke about all my faux boyfriends (who are mostly actors) but if you want to see me dork out and squee like a 13 year old fangirl, just start talking about a writer. I come by my hagness naturally, both of my parents and my brother are wordnerds, too, ergo my wordnerdiness is to be expected. So, today, I send you off to read the writings of some of my faves. Don’t blame me if you fall in love with them.
1.) Deanna Raybourn: I discovered her through NaNoWriMo and love her Silent In The… books. She brings genteel snark to an artform and her blog is on my must read list.
2.) Neil Gaiman: If I had to describe Neil in two words or less I’d go with: American God. Fans of his books just laughed out loud. So did Wednesday. (**)
3.) Jane Espenson: A tv writer who has written for Buffy, Angel, Firefly, BSG, Gilmore Girls, Eureka, Dollhouse, Caprica, Warehouse 13 (also one of the creators) just to name a few shows. She’s smart, funny and she wrote the best episode of Firefly (“Shindig”…imho). And if you’re interested in being a tv writer, you MUST read every bit of her blog.
4.) Brad Paisley: Fantastic songwriter and even better musician. Oscar Wilde would follow Brad’s tweets.
Bonus writer: If William Shakespeare and Jonathan Swift were able to combine their gene pools it would result in this guy.
So, dear readers, go forth and follow….
(**editted to add: So I received a very nice email from a person who pointed out Neil Gaiman is English. I sent her a very nice email letting her know I knew Neil is English: that was the joke. The background of the books’s plot is a bunch of gods leave the old countries and end up in America and are trying to reestablish their standing as gods. Hence my way-too-obscure joke about an Englishman who comes to America and develops a cult fanbase. Anyhoo, for anyone else who didn’t get that joke, there’s the explanation.)
45. I just want to take a moment to apologize to Glee fans. I’m a total tv show jinx (welcome Wonderfalls and Firefly flans!) when the show is on FUX, er, FOX. Apparently FUX, er, FOX hates me with a passion so the minute they discover I love one of their shows, they cancel it. When I first heard of Glee, I squeed out loud and then immediately killed the people who witnessed it because besides admission of guilt and DNA evidence, witness testimony is incredibly powerful. If my mother taught me anything, it’s….never leave witnesses alive! Anyhoo, I didn’t dare let FUX, er, FOX know how excited I was because they would renege on showing it at all and the cast and crew would have worked so hard on episodes that no one would ever see. And I couldn’t bear the guilt of letting them down.
So I waited. I waited until it was a bona fide hit and they actually had fans and FUX, er, FOX began counting the chi-chings of advertisers begging to pay them money before I snuck over and watched an episode. Last night was the night I finally allowed myself to risk it. And dude, Jane Lynch swing dancing? AWEfuckingSOME.
However, Glee writers, cast, crew and fans, I regret to inform you that now that I have become completely and totally and deliriously in love with the show, it will now be cancelled. Becaux FOX sux. (and yet they constantly come up with shows I love. How is that even possible???)
44. I started to write a rant but it was going to be too long and too bitter so I’ll just sum it up: To those people who absolutely will not use their brains to determine what to believe or what opinion to hold…. if you won’t think for yourself, don’t speak for others. You just look like an idiot and piss off the very people you want to impress.
43. Today Texas and Oklahoma football fans worship at the Red River Shootout. The battlecry in my household? HOOK’EM HORNS!
42. Today’s Freaky Friday feature (in which I stow the hate and show some love) showcases NaNoWriMo.org. Yesterday, my friend (yes, I have friends, shut up) asked me what I was doing on the 31st. I blanked out because my first thought was “what do you think I’m doing? I’m wrapping up my life and stocking my pantry because NaNoWriMo begins November 1st. You goober.” But then I realized he really meant he wanted to know if I had plans to celebrate Halloween.
Annnnnnyway, National Novel Writing Month is an international writing challenge whereby people from all walks of life stop what they’re doing, walk away from their lives and loves and spend the 30 days of November frantically writing a novel. 30 days, 50,000 words is the challenge. Many have tried, many have failed and surprisingly, many have triumphed. I’ve tried it for the past two years but Life and The Universe got in my way. However, as we know because of #41, The Universe is now listening to my wants so I’m thinking this is the year Deathwina finally gets that coveted prize: bragging rights! Because that is the only actual prize. There’s no money, no guest shot on Oprah, not even an actual trophy or medal (well, they do have a banner you can put on your site/blog). Just bragging rights. And they are totally worth the blood, sweat and caffeine it takes to get that novel written.
So, for those of you who have always wanted to write a novel or know some one who does or maybe you simply don’t have any plans on your November calender…..get thee over to NaNoWriMo.org and get signed up (it’s free). Spend the next two weeks rearranging your entire life and then spend the following 30 days blazing out the next Great American Novel. I plan on writing the Worst Novel Ever. Less pressure that way.
(Note to Victor–to answer your original question, on Halloween I’ll be dressed as a novelist. A really slutty novelist. Because Halloween is all about come-as-you-aren’t. (quick, name that tv show!) )
41. So The Universe is finally listening to me! Last week I featured Christian Kane as the first Freaky Friday post. That same day he tweeted he was going to do a show in Austin. I emailed my chicklets and when they confirmed they wanted to go with me, I popped over and bought the tickets. I didn’t realize the show might be the whole band, KANE, which includes Steve Carlson (whose solo albums I love love love love love!).
Earlier today I included Steve Carlson in my Follow Friday bunch. A few minutes ago I read his tweet that he’ll be in Austin for the KANE show. I’ve wanted to see both of these guys perform live for a long time (together, separate, didn’t matter) but due to circumstances, just couldn’t get the plans together.
And now I get to see both of them. Practically without having to leave home. Weird, right?
Anyhoo, now that I know The Universe is finally listening to me, I may as well mention a few other things I’d like:
1.) I want to win a huge freaking lottery, bank a healthy portion of it for myself, mi familia and my friends, pay the taxes on it and donate the rest.
B.) I want George Clooney to quit screwing around, find me and fall in love with me so we can live happily ever after in Italy.
III.) I want a 1971 Mach One Mustang. High gloss black, if possible.
Quattro.) I want to be able to fix my hair into various versions of an updo.
Five.) I want one of those teacup pigs.
(Also, if anyone at the KANE show wants to know which of the fans is me, I’ll be the nerdgirl desperately trying not to fall asleep because that show starts around the time I usually go to bed. Don’t ask me how I’m going to stay awake because I haven’t figure that out yet.)
40. Because it’s Boss’ Day, my office is having a little brunch for our bosslady. One of my coworkers brought faux mimosas (mimosauxes??) and I’m drinking one right now. Also happening right now, my tongue seems to be getting irritated and swelling. I think that bitch may be trying to poison me. I’ve always thought she looked a little shifty…
Anyhoodle, to all the great bosses out there, Happy Boss’ Day. To the asshats who are power mad and are thisclose to having a stapler shoved down their throats: here, have a mimosaux. You’ve earned it!
39. To the adorkable little old lady standing at the bus stop wearing the red sequin covered hat…… I heart you so much. Every time I see you I get the biggest, stupidest grin on my face. Thank you for rocking the shiny.
38. To the guy who stood inappropriately close to me at the grocery store checkout line this morning….. dude, I have pepper spray and I know how to use it. I won’t go for your eyes, I’ll just spray it down your britches. Good luck explaining that to your boss when you call in “sick”. So, next time, back the fuck off or you’ll be begging to be castrated.
(Seriously, why do some people do that? And don’t get me started on people who insist on grabbing your ass with their shopping cart. Fucking pervs…)
37. Today is Friday (10-16-09) which is Twitter’s High Holy Day of the week. Just who is Deathwina suggesting you follow?
36. Has anyone else gone clothes shopping lately? If yes, have you found anything decent to wear? I don’t mean anti-slutty decent (but, yeah, that too), I mean something that doesn’t look beyond stupid. Seriously, I’m asking. I’ve tried several times lately and everything looks 1.) stupid beyond belief or 2.) “retro” or “80′s” and since I’ve been there, done that, I’m going to skip that trend (the 80′s….awesome music, crappy fashion) or 3.) is so poorly made that even third world countries would toss them in the trash. I am not a super picky dresser. If I’m clothed and reasonably stain free then I consider my outfit a success. However, even I, the anti-fashionista, draw the line at t-shirts so thin they would never make it through a wash-n-dry cycle. I draw the line at clothes that make me look dumpy. I draw the line at pants that completely cover my shoes and give me Stumpy And Footless Syndrome (I’m only 5′ 2″ so I really really need those inches.) And while I’m drawing lines….what’s with the gross mislabeling of sizes? I absolutely PITY young girls today who grab a top that would barely fit a Smurf and it’s labeled XXL. That’s extra extra large for those not in the know. No wonder so many girls today have such body issue problems. The entire fashion world is trying to convince them they’re a bunch of fatties.
Now, normally I would force my mom to hitch up to her sewing machine to crank out some new pieces for me because she’s my one woman sweat shop. However, she’s been sick for the past month (Or so she says…) so I’ve been forced to shop where the less fortunate shop: actual clothing stores.
Anyhoo, I’ve decided to stage a coup and take over the fashion world. As Fashion Dictator to the Universe, my first act will be to appoint Tim Gunn as Supreme Overlord of All Things Textile. My second act will be appointing The Fug Girls as Co-Commissioners in Charge of Doing Whatever Mr. Gunn Tells Them to Do. Women around the world will finally be able to find something that both looks good AND fits. In fact, let’s start that fitting thing now. Here’s my favorite tip for the curvy girls: use 9 inch zippers in your skirts. The extra two inches means you can slip them over your hips and when zipped, the waist will actually fit. You’re welcome.
I swear, I can already hear the Nobel group frantically creating my peace prize.
35. People who wear patchouli as their fragrance of choice should be locked away in an insane asylum. Clearly they are out of their fucking minds.
34. Dude! I have a 76% chance of surviving a zombie apocolypse. Now I’m ready to go see Zombieland. Also, my parents will be so proud to know all those years of teaching me gunmanship will finally pay off!
33. Stores that play Christmas music before Thanksgiving irritate me to no end. Stores that play Christmas music before Halloween are just sadistic and obviously want to drive me friggin’ insane. However, having ranted that, I will say that when I mentioned that to my darling motherperson on Sunday, she immediately broke into a hilarious Halloween version of Creepy Wonderland (to the tune of the great classic, Winter Wonderland, of course). Dumbass Store – 0, Weirdeaux Mom – 1.
32. So, once again Kate Hudson has dared to have the audacity to wear a dress that has a deep v-neck even though she’s a card carrying member of the IBT club. And God bless her for doing it. I love it when a woman accepts her body as it is and is confident about her appearance. Sadly, that’s so rare nowadays. Good luck trying to find a woman who is comfortable with her appearance and who doesn’t obsess over the size of her (fill in body part here).
Even more sadly, the criticism I’ve read over Kate’s wardrobe is mostly from other women. What? The? Fuck? I can only assume those women have low self esteem and think tearing someone else down will raise themselves up. It doesn’t. It just makes you look like a jerk. An obnoxious, whiny and pathetic jerk.
Special note to those women who feel their bosom isn’t as large as it should be: There’s no actual “right” size. Trust me when I tell you most men don’t care if your cups don’t runneth over. As my darling dad once said “most men are just happy to have access to them, they don’t care what size they are”. And I have never met a man who disagreed with that philosophy. They have always wholeheartedly agreed…..while staring at my chest.
31. The telemarketer who harassed my mom last night. Here’s your ticket, you’re in seat 1A.
30. It’s Freaky Friday and to honor that, let’s take a moment to stow the hate and show some love. Today’s loverage goes to Christian Kane. He’s smart, talented and seems to be a genuinely nice guy. He’s also one of the hardest working guys in the entertainment industry. He acts (currently on Leverage, and movies coming soon to a theater near you), he sings (his new album comes out sometime in the next couple of months). And he als……oh who am I kidding. He’s hot. Smoky, raspy voice….gorgeous blue eyes….biceps that make me think dirty, dirty thoughts….. Fine. I’m shallow and superficial. I admit it. But don’t let my failings stop you from checking him out (did I mention he’s got a great ass?). And when Miley gets back to Twitter, she can check out Christian’s tweets.
29. This morning I was considering the idea of posting about gay marriage and Prop 8 and whatnot. The reasons why I wouldn’t write about it is I 1.)might actually froth at the mouth and scare the shit out of my coworkers (but then I realized that’s actually a good thing) and 2.) I didn’t think I could do it justice so maybe I should work on it and do it later after I’ve worked on it and given it a serious amount of effort. So I wrote about Miley Cyrus instead.
Honestly, I don’t care about trying to convince people to quit being homophobic. I just want homophobics to leave the gays alone. Quit acting like douchebags and just live and let live. It’s what Jesus did. Remember him? The guy who loved everyone? Nice guy, didn’t judge others for being different. W.W.J.D.? Jesus Would Be A Great Person. Go ahead, give it a try.
28. I just read that Miley Cyrus cancelled her Twitter account because her boyfriend wanted her to do so. Apparently, since he doesn’t have an account he doesn’t want her to have an account. Maybe she doesn’t know we’re in the 21st century. Maybe I should send her a calender that was printed after The Dark Ages. Maybe one of her fucking parents should sit her immature, underage and desperate-for-love self down and explain that she should never give up who she is just to please some guy. Trust me, Miley, there are puh-lenty of great guys out there. Some of them even have Twitter accounts.
27. So, Vick the Dick is getting a “reality” show. I’m trying to think of something snarky to write but my mind is officially blank. I’ll just go with the classic: WTF?
26. Paris Hilton will be guest starring on Supernatural tonight (Oct. 8th). I genuinely appreciate her willingness to do the show and to bring much needed attention to the show. Whomever does the marketing for that show is sooooo on my list because they do a piss. poor. job. of. it. So really, if getting Paris to do the show drives viewers to it, fine. I can deal. However, having said that, I really really really really really really hope her character gets killed slowly and painfully. And if El Deano nails her, I will vomit. Repeatedly. (updated to add: Paris did well and Dean got his ass whooped by yet another 100 pound girl. I don’t know why that always cracks me up but I love that the show constantly has him getting wailed on by girls. Thanks, Kripke!)
25. People who text while……well…..while doing anything. Driving, walking across four lanes of traffic, at the friggin’ opera (<–I’m not making that one up)…..just stop it. You’re making an ass out of yourself. Well, a bigger ass, I should say. And since I know you don’t understand spelled out words, I’ll write it in your language:
ZOMG!!!!1!1!!!! SRSLY????//???? U R StUpId!!!!!1!!!!!!
24. Whoever convinced LL Cool J to be part of that crapfest, NCIS: Los Angeles should never work in the entertainment industry again. LLCJ is such a talented guy and that show is beyond demeaning to his talent. James, if you read this, find a loophole and get yourself killed off the show. Then go join Supernatural as a rogue hunter or Burn Notice as a member of Team Westen (…who accidentally kills Fiona….I’m just sayin’….). Or heck, have someone develop an action/adventure show with you as the lead/hero. Add Mos Def in as the buddy/partner of your character and you’ve got one heck of a good time. (having said that, I have no doubt you LOVE working with Linda Hunt. Because who the heck wouldn’t???)
23. People who let children sit in their lap in a car (instead of making sure the child is securely seated/belted as per the freaking law…) should be considered child abusers and should have their children taken away from them. I have no doubt that if anything happened to those children in a car wreck (God forbid…seriously, God forbid!), those same people would blame everyone except themselves. Lawsuits would be flying all over the place and those people would never accept they did anything to cause their child’s injury/death. Hate them so much.
22. Know what I’d like to do to the brainless twits who interrupt me while I’m reading a book? I’d like to pound their brainless head in with the book. That’s why they invented hardbound books, right???
21. People who make fun of handicapped people should never, ever, do it when I’m around. I will punch you in the throat. Repeatedly.
20. Eric Kripke is NOT, I repeat NOT, on my list. In fact, I heart The Kripkeeper just because he gave the world the Brothers Winchester. Kripster, I heart you. And the Supernatural writers. All of you should be feeling warm, tingly feelings directed at you. If those warm, tingly feelings land around your nether regions, even better.
19. The people who interrupt me while I’m working and then start the conversation with “Do you mind if I interrupt you?” are goddam stupid. If you’re interrupting me to ask if you can interrupt me, maybe you should rethink interrupting me. Either get to the point or don’t bug me. Better yet, avoid me like the plague. Trust me, I won’t be offended if you pretend I don’t exist.
18. The creator of spam email is totally fucked if I ever find them.
17. On my list…..women who criticize me for calling another woman a cunt. Here’s a shocker, ladies, some women are cunts. If a woman acts like a cunt, I call her a cunt. That’s not being anti-Sisterhood, that’s being honest. Deal. With. It.
16. Roman Polanski.
15. People who come to America and then bitch about America are totally on the list. Here’s the thing, folks….. America is the Land of Opportunity, not the Land of Perfect. The USofA isn’t known for being perfect, just a great place to make a great life if you are willing to do what it takes to have that life. That’s it. We do not guarantee you’ll be happy or rich or have an easy time of it. We just guarantee you can try to have the life you want. Also, if you don’t like our country, we give you the opportunity to go back to whatever hellhole you came from. Because let’s face it, if your country was so awesome, you wouldn’t have left it, would you? Please, shut up or feel free to leave at any time.
14. Kanye West is not on my list. That’s right, Kanye, that bit of douchebaggery you pulled on Taylor Swift at the VMAs yesterday is not enough for me to put you on my list. In fact, I want you to live a very, very long life in which the other 6 billion people on the planet do things that annoy the fuck out of you and by the time you die at age 101, you’re completely and totally insane and have constant diarrhea. Just like your fucking mouth.
13. Men who think taking care of their children is “babysitting”. It’s not babysitting, asshole, it’s parenting. Quit being a dick and enjoy your kids while you can.
12. Brace yourself, I’m worked up….. Feminazis, you are ON MY LIST. Seriously. Y’all make me so sick with your man bashing and blaming and whining and agggghhhhhh……… Okay, let’s start from the beginning, kids. Firstly, a feminist is one who believes women should have equal rights as men. So far, so good, right? Let’s keep going; a feminist wants equal rights, not special rights. They want the right to build themself up, not the right to tear someone down. Honest-to-God feminists simply want to be able to live their life as they see fit. Got that? Let’s move on to the feminazi. Feminazis are just a bunch of propaganda spouting, low self esteem bearing, man blaming whiners. That’s it. They don’t care one bit about helping others have better lives. They don’t care about equality for everyone, just themselves. They want special treatment without having to earn it.
I’ve always said those kind of women were absolutely desperate for men to worship them and when men don’t (usually because those women just don’t have much to offer), those women get horribly, horribly bitter. So, here’s a piece of advice to those women: GET OVER YOUR EGO. Learn to be awesome and then you’ll have all the male attention you could possibly want. Use your brain, learn to be an interesting conversationalist, get a sense of humor, and get therapy to work through your daddy issues, body issues, why-can’t-men-see-how-great-I-am issues. Also, quit acting like men owe you. They don’t owe you a damn thing. The only thing you should expect from your man is friendship, love and sex. They aren’t here to financially support you, build up your self esteem or make you happy. You are in charge of those so don’t bitch when your guy doesn’t feel like being responsible for your life/decisions/happiness.
You do all that and trust me, you’ll have to beat men off with a stick. (And I’m talking about the good men, not the Jon Gosselins of the world.) Bonus….. you won’t have that snarly, bitter look on your face. Which means less wrinkles.
11. People who believe the crapola in the Hollywood tabloids. And then sit around analysing and debating the “facts” and rumors.
10. Whoever invented Diet Coke. That shit is totally addictive. Deliciously, deliciously addictive.
9. Whoever invented blue eyeshadow.
8. People who wear flip flops and don’t pick up their feet when they walk. Pick. Up. Your. Feet. You are not a fucking caveman (<–said my mother when I was growing up. But without the “fucking” part. Because she’s a lady.)
7. People who twitter about nothing. Why on earth do you think that “just bought a salad” is so fucking interesting? At least tell us what is in the salad in case a foodie is reading. Otherwise, wait until your brain actually functions before typing those 140 characters.
6. Men with combovers. Ick. Ew. Just cut/shave it off and be done with it.
5. People who say there’s nothing good on tv. Fuck you. If you can’t find something good on tv, it’s probably because you’re stupid. Go watch Supernatural, Burn Notice, Sons of Anarchy, Castle (<– pure charm!), Leverage (<–Burn Notice Lite), etc. If you don’t have cable, buy dvds. But don’t be snotty just because you’re too afraid you’ll look stupid if you admit that a lot of great shows go over your pointy little head.
4. People who talk in the theater (hi, Shepard Book!)
3. People who pronounce “supposedly” as “supposably”. Ditto to “library” being changed to “libary”.
2. Celebutards/fame whores.
1. People who don’t refill the goddam ice trays before tossing them back into the freezer.